...the end of an era

I haven't known how to write this post, where to start, what to say, or how I would get through it. I think the simple answer is that there is no answer. I don't think that it will ever be easy ever again.

I will not prolong the post. I lost my heart horse on October 11, 2013. My loving, amazing, gorgeous, honest heart horse.

As you read in the last post, we were on the upswing. Tuesday we had gotten word that her WBC count was up to 3.4 and she was passing feces. Wednesday we got a call that her WBC count was in the normal range and she was eating. Wednesday evening we got a call that she was feeling a bit uncomfortable and they believe that she had a small reimpaction. Thursday morning they told us that she had passed the oil they gave her. The impaction was gone; however, her WBC count was back down.

Shane and I left Thursday morning to head up to the mountains for our bachelor and bachelorette parties. I was with my whole family and my best friends at the Wine Bar when I got the phone call. Trinity had developed Colitis X. Wikipedia defines Colitis X as "a catchall term for various fatal forms of acute or peracute colitis found in horses, but particularly a fulminant colitis where clinical signs include sudden onset of severe diarrhea, abdominal pain, shock, and dehydration. Death is common, with 90% to 100% mortality, usually in less than 24 hours." They believed that they had caught it early and wanted to start her on a treatment course. The treatment was EXTREMELY expensive and had a success rate of less that 25%. They believe that the colitis was caused by an extreme build up of Salmonella due to the multiple long lasting impactions. My best friend was at the wine bar with me, and she had lost her pony 2 years previously to the same illness. She was an amazing support along with my mom and mother-in-law. I made the decision easily. I was distraught, but I was at peace. I called Shane and let him know what was happening and made the arrangements for the following morning.

 

My best friend and I with our babies that we lost to this awful illness. 

Shane and I enjoyed the rest of our events. I know that Trinity would not have wanted me to leave my wedding festivities. The vets stayed with her and made sure that she was extremely comfortable. Early Friday morning Shane, my friend, my mom, and I drove to the hospital. I spent about 30 minutes with Trinity before my daily vet arrived. I had asked him to come and be the vet due to his long relationship with me and Trinity.

I loved my baby more than life itself. She taught me so much about everything. I had 4 horses previous, and Trinity taught me more than all 4 of those horses combined. I know that she loved me and that she would want me to move on. I will continue to ride. I will continue to train Frosty and Shane. In fact, I will probably get another horse some time in the future. Nothing, NOTHING, though, will ever replace my love and devotion that I feel for Trinity. I will always use everything that she taught me, I will always do everything to honor her memory. 

My vet gave me a small vase with a single white rose. I honored my baby girl the next day at our wedding by placing the vase on the table with our Sand Ceremony and Marriage Certificate. I am going to get the vase engraved and always keep a single white rose ready for her. 

Crossing the Bridge

I stood beside your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying; you found it hard to sleep.

I whinnied to you softly as you brushed away a tear,

"It's me, I haven't left you. I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was with you at my grave today; you tend it with such care.

I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you toward the house, as you fumbled for your key.

I put my head against you, nickered and said, "It's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.

I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you every day.

To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, then smiled; I think you knew.

In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,

I'll gallop across to greet you, and we'll stand there side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there's so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.

 

A REALLY rough weekend

I haven't written in a while because I wasn't sure what the end of the story would be...I know that seems weird, but I didn't want to start writing one story for it to end up as a totally different story entirely...

As I wrote in my last post, things have been INSANE with getting ready for the wedding, which is a short 4 days away now...EEEEK! On Thursday night, Shane and I were just sitting down to dinner and relaxing. It was a rare moment of calm for just the two of us when the phone rang. He is waiting for a call about a job, so he answered it. It was our barn manager. The line was extremely staticy and all he heard was horse and colic. THE DREADED C-WORD!

We slammed the TV and DVD player off, dressed VERY warmly VERY quickly and took off to the barn. When we got there it was my worst nightmare. Trinity... 1 year ago to the day from the colic that ended in a surgical suite. She was exhibiting most of the same symptoms as before. She was kicking at her stomach, trying to fall over, and just looking very dejected. I called my normal vet with the vitals and he told me to call the hospital and have them come out (he was out of town).

The vet came out and felt a severe impaction in the Pelvic Flexure (NOT SAND!! YAY! I guess...), but said he also thought it was very serious and may need hospital fluids. We are very short on funds, so we decided to give her the night and see how she did with the oil, epsom salt, and electrolytes. We were up every hour to check on her and she seemed okay, but not better. By morning she was worse. I couldn't miss work, because I had only been there a week! So, Shane called our vet's on-call doctor and she came out to see Trinity. She said that she couldn't feel the impaction, but that he arms were much shorter than the Emergency Vet. She gave Shane instructions for the day and left.

 

The Pelvic Flexure is Letter E on the bottom of the image.

I got the call at about 3pm that it was time to head to the Large Animal Hospital. Not again...but yes. We got a hold of the trailer person that the hospital recommends, loaded up and headed out. When we got there the same vet from Thursday night examined her. He said he definitely still felt the same impaction. He did an Ultra Sound and wanted to put her on fluids for the night.

We also had a decision to make...Were we willing to do surgery again. We knew that surgery would fix the problem immediately, but we were just not in the position. It was very very hard to make the call, but we said that we couldn't do surgery again. Friday night and Saturday morning, Trinity was very tired and slept most of the time. They let fluids flow open and free to get things moving.

 

Poor Baby! They left the nasal tube in to drain her stomach every three hours, so that is why she has the muzzle on. 

 

Sleepy Pony...

On Saturday mid day, we went to visit and she was looking so much better. They let us take her for a walk and she was closer to herself. She was nuzzling us and neighing to the other horses. I was feeling very very encouraged. 

 

Mom, I look like a unicorn...don't take pictures!

Trinity, from the magical land of ICU. 

Then it happened...Sunday morning I got a call saying that she had taken a turn for the worse. We rushed to the hospital thinking the worst. We decided that we could only fight this for so long. It wasn't fair to Trinity or to us to keep pushing her. We met with the vet and he said, the diagnosis was not good. The entire impaction had moved to the small colon.

 

See where the intestine narrows between letter E and letter F? That is where it was sitting. 

 As I have explained before...I HATE the equine anatomy. Whoever thought it was smart to have the horse digestive system need to defy gravity in order to complete the cycle, was on crack... I digress. Basically, most impaction break-up before they hit this point, but hers was like a cork plugging up the hole. On top of that, Trinity's White Blood Cell count dropped to .8. A normal range is 5.5-8. This put her in extreme risk of developing a secondary illness. She had been classified as "Yellow" in ICU, which means that all tech's had to glove up, wear booties, and a gown to work with her to avoid giving her something. The vet was concerned of tissue death, due to the plug pressing against the intestine wall and not allowing blood flow to circulate. He said she had 24 hours to pass it before we were critical. 

Shane and I spent a large part of Sunday crying and fighting and loving on her. We knew that by Monday night, if she hadn't gotten better. We were going to have to make the worst decision of our entire lives.

 

Daddy loves sick pony.

Mommy loves her more!

As we were leaving, I gave Trinity a talking to. I told her that I needed a phone call by 10 from the vet with good news! I meant the 10am phone call that the vet promised to make after his staff meeting. At 9:56pm the vet called me and told me she had passed a fairly large pile of fecal matter. He said it was very dry and not the whole impaction, in the least, but it was good news! I never gave Trinity and am or pm, so she DID listen to me!!!!

On Monday morning the news was even better. She had passed a few more piles and her White Blood Cell count had gone up to 1.4. It was still VERY low, but the news was encouraging. On Monday night we went down and she had passed 4 more piles throughout the day, and they had started feeding her small amounts of hay several times a day. THANK GOODNESS! My pony is here to stay! She is such a fighter!

The biggest concern now was the White Blood Cell count. Shane and I are leaving town Thursday morning (for Golden, only about 40 minutes from the hospital) and then Sunday we are leaving town for Mexico. My concern is bringing her home too early and her catching something. Then I would be out of town and then what? We spoke to the vet and they have a small rehabish type barn for a fairly reasonable price. Once she is off fluids and had a high enough WBC count to be safe, they are going to move her there. This way we can enjoy Mexico and we don't have to worry about her being exposed and without vet care. 

This morning, we got a call that the WBC count was up to 3.4! We are getting better. The vet said this is a really goo pace to be increasing. Too fast and that would indicate a secondary issue. We are doing good though! THANK EVERY HIGHER POWER POSSIBLE!

The tough conversation will remain...what if this happens again. As much as I hate to discuss it, she is apparently predisposed to colic. She has coliced 3 times in 20 months. 4 times in 5 years... We can not afford to do this again. So, we are going to do a lot of preventative supplements and care. Nevertheless, we are going to have to have the discussion... and I hate it...