Friday, October 25, 2013


SO, I have been digesting my new reality for the past week or so (since being back from Mexico). I still don't think it has fully sank in that my girl is gone forever. Thank you to everyone who has reached out and been so kind and understanding. Your support means the world to me.

I'll start by saying I'm sorry for the long post and no pictures. I promise to provide some in the future...

I went to the barn last Sunday to see Frosty and to break the news to the BM and other boarders. Everyone was so supportive. Frosty seemed fine. People talk that pasture mates know. I don't know if it was because Trinity was taken away to a different stall when she was sick, then moved to the hospital, and then passed there. Frosty was extremely attached to Trinity, but doesn't seem to be showing signs of depression or any upset-ness (word? I don't know...).

The BM was amazing and is letting Frosty stay in the big paddock. Shane and I need to decide it that is where we want her. Their old large run and enclosed stall is still available and a small single horse run is coming available. I know that I don't want the single horse stall, because I do like Frosty having room to move around. The BM said if we decide to stay with the paddock, she could find Frosty a nice paddock mate. She is the best. I am so glad we moved locations.

We are going out this afternoon after I get off work. This is one of those days that won't end. I am hoping Frosty Pants is still in good spirits. During Trinity's illness she scuffed up her back leg. Last time I was there it was still showing some swelling. If it is still swollen today I will stop and get some Furosone and do a sweat wrap and try to get the swelling down. I feel really bad that it wasn't better cared for, but Trinity was my only priority. Looking back, I am glad I did what I did, but I do feel awful about Frosty's leg. She isn't lame or even tender, so I think it is just some built up fluid. I think some work and a sweat wrap with fix it right up.

I have been reading all of the blogs I follow and I have really been thinking about my future. I am happy with Frosty and training Shane to ride and enjoy his horse. I do know that I will need something to call my own again. I have been tossing around a couple ideas:
  1. Getting a new horse. Shopping around and finding a small, broke but mot made, little pack horse that I can enjoy and just goof off with. The downside is that I don't see myself rebonding with another horse like I did with Trinity. If I go with this option will this horse always be a second or third or even fourth in my life? Is that fair to get a horse knowing it won't be loved with my whole heart? I am not saying I wouldn't love it. I would love it and care for it and cherish it, but it wouldn't be Trinity...
  2. Starting a horse flipping "business". This way I would get project horses and resell them. I have always wanted to do this and I think that I would be really really good at it. I was always afraid of getting attached, but I think that I am in the place where I wouldn't get so attached anymore. The downside here is the initial investment in a good project horse and the volatile horse market. There is no guarantee. We are floundering in our budget since the wedding a honeymoon and I am not sure if I am ready to make that sort of investment. It could really work out, and it could really not. If it doesn't though, wouldn't that just be the same as having another horse (see above)?
  3. Getting a weanling and raising it up. I always wanted a Trinity baby. I know that I can't do that now, but maybe if I started at weanling I would be able to form another bond. The bond would never replace Trinity (EVER), but perhaps this is a way that I could open my heart in a totally different manner and really embrace the life of this weanling. The downside to that is Shane and I would still be sharing a horse for at least 3 years, because I wouldn't be able to ride my new project. Would that be so bad? We have dreams of riding in the mountains and camping and I couldn't do that with a weanling. Plus if we want to have kids, would the breaking take a back seat? Do I want to be breaking a horse when I have a new baby (or kids at all?). 
I am obviously not going to make a move (unless something really comes along and smacks me upside the head) until at least the first of the year. I know that Trinity wouldn't want me to stop being passionate about horses and wanting me to give another horse a chance at a better life. How do I do that though? What do I do? How do I make the decision?  How to I convince myself that she isn't coming home?


  1. Once again, I'm so sorry. Words can't even express. My mother lost her heart horse. She refused to get a horse, then she passed down her love to me and ended up not being able to refuse that love for much longer. She was constantly in tears because she just couldn't let herself love Red. Then, slowly, she started opening up. She knew Red was amazing, and she loved him, but she didn't really love him like she loved that horse. I talked her into getting another Appaloosa and now, while nothing could replace her first heart horse, she's grown to love Spirit just as much. I hope you have the opportunity like my mom did, not to replace, but to love again.

  2. I feel for you, when horses are in your blood you feel a big hole. At least you still have a horse you can love even if she's not yours. The thing is that you don't have to make a decision now. Let the hurt sink in, mourn and remember Trinity...give yourself time. At the start of the year you could lease a horse or look for one to buy or even do that "horse flipping". In a few months your finances may have recovered. You will love your next horse, I can guarantee it. These animals make sure of it, they have that power. Every relationship though will be different. I hope your heart heals soon and you can continue on your horsie path. Hugs!

  3. Losing your heart horse is really, really hard. For me, it a while before my grief was manageable and even longer until I learned to live with it.

    The best thing I did was wait to buy another horse -- it gave me time to process and open my heart to another horse. I was lucky, because I was still able to ride in the interim, which really helped.

    Thinking of you and sending good vibes your way as you go through this tough time!